Testimonials
Letters from Students
DIVORCECARE GRADUATE LOOKS FOR MORE
Today is the last day of DivorceCare, and I fell a bit like a homeless man that was given a meal, then turned back to the streets to struggle through finding my next meal on my own. The DivorceCare program is fantastic, and I have certainly healed and grown a lot through the homework, the videos, and our small groups. I am better prepared to move on from my divorce, but I fear that it may be hard to continue to grow or even maintain the level I have reached. I have been a Christian since I was a teenager, and have had cycled through times in life where I was close to God and not so close… I sure would like to sustain it this time.
I live alone, have no children, my family all lives far away… so, without having single Christian friends and activities, my tendency would be to start into a new relationship… which, I want to someday, but want to grow more first. For months now I have been trying to find Church groups or activities to make friends and be involved, but it has been frustrating. I go to church every Sunday, but I sit by myself. Everyone seems to be paired up. I tried going to a church singles function where fifty or so gathered at a beachside location to worship, eat, hear a message and camp together for a weekend. I got so excited, went out and got all the gear I needed, went to the location and setup my tent. I was there about an hour after the scheduled start time, but hardly anyone was around. After waiting around by myself for another hour, a few people starting showing up and mingling. All were much younger than me and all were in little groups of two to four. There was some music and singing, but long breaks after every few songs where everyone went back to their groups of two to four. A few people spoke briefly to me, but I felt more alone and awkward than I can remember ever feeling at an event. So, I snuck out, took down my tent, and drove home feeling horrible.
I tried once more. A smaller group, which included some people from other DivorceCare classes, had a small get together on a late Friday afternoon. When I arrived I discovered I knew no one there. Everyone was paired up, except me. I felt so uncomfortable. It was just a mingling type get together with no activities or agenda. Again, feeling lonely, I snuck out and headed home… all the way thinking “it is so hard to invite guys to go with you to functions like this, but I don’t want to jump into a relationship yet… but, I guess that is what I am going to have to do or else just stay home all the time.”
So, next I tried volunteering. Twice I have spent a Saturday afternoon at a local park responding to a request from my church to help with entertaining and showing God’s love to kids from the children’s shelter we support. I also hoped I would meet others from the church and find activities and other singles to get involved with. But again, it was very unstructured. Most people from the church came with someone else. I enjoyed engaging with the kids, but did not get to know any of the adult volunteers. Again, going home feeling alone and asking God why my relationship with Him is not enough to keep me from feeling lonely
so often.
I joined a men’s group at church. I constantly check their Web site and bulletins for single events or home groups for singles my age (40’s and 50’s) I have concluded that our church offers nothing for someone like me. I have been an active member for about 7 years, I give a lot of money to the church, I volunteer my time, I pray to meet Christian friends… like the people in DivorceCare. But, now we will all go our separate ways, many of us falling back into our old ways. There must be others out there like me… please let the church know that we need organized activities to share, learn, grow and help each other.
Being a single mom means you have lot of pressure to support your children and try to make time for yourself. If we single moms learn anything about life after divorce, it is that it is a juggling act. I found out through Common Steps that it really doesn’t have to be that way for me. I learned some great skills on how to survive and even thrive in some ways right after my divorce, but I still wanted to learn how to have great relationships with others as I moved forward in life. I don’t think that my situation is too different from what other moms are experiencing.
I vividly remember the last day of DivorceCare. Our group had gathered at one of the other participant’s home for food, fellowship and the marking the end of our 13 week journey along road of recovery from our broken marriages. We all had formed a bond in the knowledge we were not alone in our pain. At the closing of class, I remember thinking to myself, “now what?”. In some ways I felt I was being abandoned. I cringed at the thought of being all alone with no standing guarantee of relating to others scheduled. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to feel this way either because in DivorceCare we had talked about becoming single meant being separate, unique, and whole.
I certainly felt separate. My 12 year marriage was over. My family lived over 3 hours away. My divorce decree prevented me from moving back to where my family was. I could move back but it meant I would do so without my children Unique? Well, I was convinced I had the corner on that for sure. I had essentially walked away from a very successful architectural design career to relocate and chase a dream & job of my now ex’s ambition. In the meantime, I entered another field which was really more of a hobby than a career. With that said, I was now stuck wondering how in the world was I going to support myself and two kids without any new, up-to-date job skills or family nearby to help out. I definitely felt uniquely unable to take care of myself and much less my kids for sure. And I surely didn’t feel like a whole, complete person.
All I knew was I still felt very much broken and unsure of how to continue to put the pieces back together. However, I was certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I never wanted to repeat the same relational mistakes that lead to the demise of my marriage again! I wanted to do what God wanted so that I experienced a full recovery, except now I had more than myself to consider. I had two children to lead by example, without the help of a spouse. It’s one thing for me to make mistakes but to make my children suffer at the hand of my poor relational skills was unbearable. Hadn’t they suffered enough already?
So how does one move forward? How does one acquire the skills to develop healthy, Godly relationships and insure your children do the same? I found through the Common Steps series of classes and the support of course participants, I am slowly but surely getting to the place where God wants me to be. I feel like I am making good progress in my life for me and my kids.
--Anonymous
A Pastor’s Perspective of Common Steps
That’s why I’ve chosen to get involved with Dave Carolan and the Common Steps ministry. I’m convinced that our efforts together can accomplish so much more if we can find ways to maximize the many gifts, talents and resources that each of our churches enjoys by spreading them around to others. But how do we do that most effectively? Well, one way is what Dave and his team are proposing – use a website. We live in a technological age now. People read and connect more online than ever before and this does not seem to be a fad or trend.
So it makes all the sense in the world to me to help Dave and his team implement this web-based methodology that will help bring together the kinds of ministries so many of us are doing to help people in need and to assist them in building meaningful, authentic and God-focused relationships. You have hopefully already read the details in this document. If not, please take some time and do so. And then think about how you or some people you know might invest in helping Common Steps go to the next level in becoming a tool that we can all use to help build the kingdom of God and model Christ to others.
Gary Sinclair
Director of Pastoral Care