Resources
Coping
Handling day to day and special pressures.
Handling Our Pain In Helpful Ways by Gary Sinclair
Pain isn't fun, is it? Whether it's from a toothache, childbirth (what would I know?) or surgery, we and our doctors do our best to limit the pain we must endure. And there's nothing wrong with lowering or even getting rid of pain in many circumstances as long as we do it wisely and appropriately. However, many people spend great amounts of time, energy and even money to dull other kinds of pain and they use unhelpful, inappropriate and even destructive ways at times to do it. And when we bring that painkilling to our marriage or parenting, the results begin to affect others as well as ourselves.
For example, some people have great amounts of emotional pain left over from their past. They may have been told they would never amount to much, that they were rejectable for some reason or that they weren't very talented. Some of us may have received those impressions from teachers, parents, bosses and friends who may have never even said those words but we knew what they meant. As a result, we've spent much of our lives trying to anesthetize our hurt because it is too much, at least in our minds, to face every day. So some of us work harder, others get more degrees, many never let anyone down or must always be right. Others take more obviously destructive routes like abusing alcohol, using drugs, or being drawn to destructive short-term relationships. Sadly, some of us bring our hurts and painkilling strategies into our homes. Jon's pain came from his parents always setting extremely high standards for him in school. If he got all A's except for one B, his parents were mad because of the B instead of being proud of his outstanding report card. So now as a husband and father, he still feels he has to perform. Criticism is unacceptable. He WILL be the best dad, the perfect husband and can never be wrong. Why is he like that? It's possible that the pain of being unacceptable is still too risky and potentially damaging from his perspective to face. He never wants to have anyone look down on his efforts like his parents did even though he may never associate the two situations. Jill has never thought she is pretty or attractive. The kids in school mercilessly called her names, made fun of how skinny she was, and laughed about her skin problems. Her parents weren't overtly critical but she knew they didn't think she was good-looking either because they never commented about her outfits or bragged on her looks. So when Jill got married she was thrilled that someone seemed to like her enough to want to spend their life with her. But the thought of her husband possibly ever leaving her because of her looks kept her in a panic most of the time. They never talk about it but nonetheless Jill goes to the gym at least five days a week and spends a fortune on clothes whether she needs them or not. If she doesn't have at least ninety minutes to do her make-up and get dressed she becomes terrified to leave the house. Why does she live that way? The pain of being unattractive and as a result rejected is too much for her to bear. Do you see the power of our personal painkilling? It can begin to run our lives, stymie intimacy in our marriage and taint our parenting. It is potentially parlyzing. What's the answer? Well, it's easy and it's hard. The easy part is that we must learn that our worth is not found in what anyone says or does. It's only based on what God thinks. So often our identity becomes tied to our circumstances, accomplishments or what others think of us. But the Bible tells us that God loves us unconditionally, that Christ died for us as a result of His love. If we choose to follow Christ and become a child of God our worth and value will always be intact. Instead of our mistakes or inadequacies now determining who we are, we can remind ourselves each day that we are a child of God, made in His image, a person of worth and purpose. Yes, we may happen to mess up from time to time or have a person not like us on a given day or have our kids not be perfect or have our spouse be more right than we are at the moment. In spite of it all, we still matter to God. Unfortunately, the hard part is that we have often lived based on wrong thinking for a long time and we have to practice with God's help thinking in new ways. It's not always easy to change. Romans 12:2 reminds us that real change happens as we let God renew our minds. It's something we need to do every day. What do you need to change about how you think about you? I encourage you to let God do some work on your mind throughout your waking hours. If so you will be free to be the best parent, spouse, friend and Christ follower you can be without all the pressure to be perfect or to gain your worth from what happens on a given day. Yes, as Jesus said, "The truth will set you free." -- Posted By Gary Sinclair to SafeAtHome at 9/10/2009
Finances
Handling money.
Parenting
Parenting on your own.
Managing as a Single Parent
Single parents have the most difficult challenge of all. Not only do they have to balance the demands of work and family, they have to do it by themselves. The pressures and stresses faced by single parent families can be overwhelming. It's time to give yourself a break! Take a look at the suggestions below to help you cope.
Take care of yourself and your personal health
- Set realistic expectations for yourself and your children
- Develop and maintain a strong social support network
For yourself - interdependence is often helpful. It is also helpful for your children so other adults can help you influence your them. This may include family, friends, other single parents, church, school, support group, etc.
Set appropriate limits
Children must have discipline and structure for their own sense of security. Involve children in setting the rules and understanding the consequences For your personal limits--know when to say "no".
Dealing with your ex-spouse
Develop the best co-parenting relationship you possibly can with your ex-spouse. If you are non-custodial - maintain a healthy relationship with your children regardless of your feeling for your ex-spouse. Support them emotionally, relationally, and financially. Communicate directly with your ex-spouse, not through your children. Never speak badly about your ex-spouse in front of the children. This is destructive to all involved.
Develop financial discipline
- Live within your means without feeling guilty
- Help your children learn the realities of financial management
- If you are not receiving court allocated child support call your local district attorney or your attorney general's office
Be at peace with yourself
Resolve the feelings of grief over losses and guilt over your inability to be super human. Get help if necessary - find a support group or seek counseling. Focus on the positive aspects of your present circumstances:
- "I've learned to be organized"
- "I've learned who I am"
- "I've learned to be independent"
- "I've learned to do things that I never dreamed I could"
- "I've learned I am capable"
- "I've learned to budget"
If considering another relationship Use caution - go slowly
Become comfortable alone before entering a new relationship. Use your head in decisions, not just your emotions. Plan ahead for the qualities and characteristics you want in a partner and don't compromise or settle for less... and don't believe everything another person tells you! Be careful where you shop for your new partner and be wary about what you believe about other people's ex-spouses. Remember their story is only their perception of the situation. There is certainly another side you haven't heard!
If you have children be certain to consider their best interests. Don't allow yourself to be "pressured" to reenter a relationship. Follow your own timing. Although being a single parent can be extremely challenging, being on your own again can be very freeing! Find out what YOU like to do, what YOU like to eat and where YOU like to go. Although your children may demand much of your time, you can also be incredibly selfish at times by yourself.....enjoy getting to know who YOU are.
Parenting After Divorce
This FREE 50-page e-booklet features a pdf file (Adobe Acrobat Reader required) that outlines the key qualities of successful co-parent relationships. Taken directly from The Smart Stepfamily, this booklet is being used throughout the world (used with permission).
View and print Parenting After Divorce by Ron L. Deal.
Sharing this e-booklet with your ex-spouse.
Learn How to Invite Cooperation
Some parents, after reading this material, can simply call their ex-spouse, share this e-booklet, and have a rational meeting to discuss how they might better implement the Guidelines for Co-Parents (see e-booklet). If that is within your power, by all means set up the meeting soon. Angry Associates and Fiery Foes (also discussed in the e-booklet), however, will fear a face-to-face meeting, believing it will erupt World War Three.
"You just don't understand. My ex is a jerk and won't listen to anything I say. If I email her a copy of your e-booklet she'll throw it away. I have no control over her attitude." True, you have no control over your ex's attitude, but you may have some influence. Years ago I wrote "An Open Letter to Parents Who Are Divorced" (contained in the e-booklet). It was designed to remind parents of their vital role and invite ex-spouses to consider how they might better cooperate. I had no idea how useful and productive the letter would be to angry, fiery co-parents.
Here's the plan. Email a copy of Parenting After Divorce to your ex-spouse with this written or verbal message: "I have found a helpful resource on stepfamily life and co-parenting. The author of the e-booklet recommended that I share this letter with you; otherwise, I wouldn't impose. I also want you to know that I've realized I have been violating a few of these principles and am committing myself to do better. Specifically, I've noticed that I am guilty of [provide two examples of mistakes you have made and what you intend to do next time. For example, you could say, "I shouldn't cut into your visitation time by bringing the kids over past five p.m. I'm sorry. My new goal is to be on time, every time. Also, I'm going to stop saying negative things about your new husband. I now see that that puts the kids in a tight spot."] I appreciate your time. [your name]"
There are, of course, no guarantees that sending the e-booklet will change anything; you are simply trying to open the door to change. You must not send a copy of the letter with a message like, "Boy, do you need to read this. You're a terrible co-parent and it's tearing up our kids." Obviously, this attempt to control your ex will re-ignite your battles and close the door to change. Furthermore, admit your mistakes without asking your ex to evaluate his or her parenting. The influence comes when you admit your failings with no strings attached. This quietly invites the other parent to consider his or her own behavior without pressure from you. Above all, keep the goal in mind, do your part, and pray that the Lord will soften your ex-spouse's heart.
Used by permission. Ron L. Deal is a Family Life Minister and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Amarillo, Texas who specializes in stepfamily enrichment.? Catch his cutting-edge seminar "Building A Successful Stepfamily" live nationwide or in a home study audio version.? www.successfulstepfamilies.com for seminar information or call him at (806)356-7701.
Preview
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